What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 06:22
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
As i do to all so called friends.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
How is it safe to put tape on your mouth at night?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Have you ever been forced to undress for money just once?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was 9 years of age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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But it wasn’t much.
We were not on the streets..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I will be 64.
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I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So whats the point in blame.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Who then, do I blame.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Comes on , in middle age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.